[Book Review] How to Survive A Human Attack

The horror genre has a long and notable history of expressing sympathy for the devils and monsters whose tales it tells. Sure, the humans of horror spend a lot of their time staking, stabbing, beheading, exorcising and banishing their supernatural foes, but we the audience often feel a twinge of sorrow at these slayings. In amongst more straightforwardly hideous fiends, there are examples of more nuanced characters, such as Frankenstein’s monster, Bub the zombie or accidental American werewolf David. 

How To Survive A Human Attack takes these sympathetic characters and asks us to extend our empathy out to all manner of ghouls and ghosts. After all, they’re contending with humanity, notoriously the most dangerous animals of all. As the introduction notes, not only do we have a terrible propensity for “unmitigated violence”, we also add insult to injury by adding in “snarky comments and bad puns” when triumphing over a foe. It seems only fair that the creatures of horror should have some advice and guidance against such a horrid enemy. Author KC Flann has done an admirable job in this regard, producing a comprehensive guide that prepares any entity for dealing with tricksy homo sapiens. 

The guide is split into sections tailored especially for each major monster group - vampires, zombies, ghosts, witches, cyborgs and even the recently nuclearly mutated. Different demographics have different needs, and Flann gives bespoke advice depending on each type’s vulnerability to the human threat. Androids are coached on human emotions and behaviour, while swamp monsters get makeover tips to enable them to blend in with general society. 

The characterisations of these antagonists gives us a fresh, funny look at various horror subgenres. It makes absolute sense that a 600-year-old vampire might struggle with the advent of digital technology, when to them jeans are still a new-fangled fad. There are in fact many parallels between the tribulations of the movie monster and our own everyday preoccupations. Finding suitable housing is an exhausting struggle whether you’re an average-Joe human or a wraith with poltergeist skills; the only difference is whether “operational plumbing and a sulfur-free smell” counts as a plus or minus in your book. Being part of a flesh-eating swarm would probably involve a considerable amount of office politics; turning into a nuclear mutant would be much like going through a nightmare second puberty. Although this book is explicitly not meant for human eyes, there’s much sage advice to ponder (if you’re able to pick up a copy that a cryptid has perhaps carelessly mislaid). 

Not all is doom and gloom in this manual - there are motivational workplace tips for witches, fashion do’s and don’t for swamp beings, and expert advice for mummies on guarding your sarcophagus from marauding archaeologists. All chapters benefit from excellent and instructive illustrations by Joseph McDermott, including a field guide to the humans most likely to be able to annihilate a horde of the undead. A light-hearted but thoughtful read, How To Survive A Human Attack would make an ideal gift for the restless spirit in your attic, the zombie lurching around your local cemetery, or just the regular human horror fan in your life.

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